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sargatanas1977
i feel weird today. not sure why. just generally moody. i guess it just started this morning when i woke up. well, there was something that happened. i wasn't able to please my partner the way i wanted to this morning, i mean he said i did. i believe him. he wouldn't lie to me but it really bothered me. i have heard comments made in the past sometimes that to be a good man and partner you should be able to please your man.

i did, but somehow i just still felt like a failure in some way. maybe it's just me, because he told me i am amazing in bed. i try. i feel better knowing he wasn't like, mad at me or anything.
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Well, yes it has been a couple years since i last posted here. Well, let me tell you alot has happened since then. We've been back to Utah and came back to Santa Barbara, And did the homeless thing again but this time thankfully just for a short while. We got a place out in Lompoc, and i love it there. Now, this is where it gets interesting heheheh. I met someone through a friend of mine, several months ago, and well, we fell in love. Very easily actually. In August i came here to Indiana, where i am posting this from, to meet this guy, named Marco. He is 23 and such a sweetie! I love him with all my heart. It is December now and i am getting ready to head back to Cali to spend the holidays and maybe a bit longer with my family.

I'll be back here in January or February, we'll see how long i can go without my baby. We'll be back down there to visit, the both of us. I want to take him down there and show him around my beautiful Santa Barbara and stuff hehehe. It's very cold here, and snowing. The winter's here are much harsher than winter's in northern Utah. I have been living with Marco's family and he while i've been up here. It's been an amazing adventure that's for sure. And i have found the one i want to be with forever. He's been damaged and tossed around by life's Precariousness, but who hasn't? He's seen and done things i haven't gotten to do or have had to experience, like hard drugs, pills, etc...and i have gone through shit he has never had to experience, such as homelessness, and the other odds and ends which accompany such a life.

Sometimes he has his moods, and things that he's dealing with, and i have mine, but we both love and care for each other very much. I appreciate all the things he does for me, and has done. I love his family and friends that i have met while here in LaPorte. Sometimes, i worry about Marco, because of the way he deals with some things, and i wish he would open to me and come to me when there is something bothering him. After all, aren't couples supposed to be there for each other when times are tough? He's not your every day average gay dude that is for damn sure.

But we both have our challenges and stuff too. I am very happy to have him in my life, and count myself lucky. As does he. In any case, i will be seeing and posting more here in the future. Later peeps!

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Current Location: LaPorte, Indiana
Current Mood: accomplished

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hey everyone! how are ya?
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Yes, thankfully another sucky Christmas has come and finally gone...this loneliness is tearing me apart. I want to belong to someone, to have someone belong to me. I hate being alone...but i am okay by myself. I have dated a couple guys, and i like all of them very much. One guys name is Larry...he's such a little cutie! Curly blond hair and blue eyes...the prettiest blue eyes i've ever seen. He's about 5'6, and a little on the chubby side...CUTENESS!! He has the most adorable chubby ass and belly! He's 30, 4 months my junior. I like the way he talks, and stuff...it's feminine, but very cute. He also looks alot like a blond version of my ex, Gary.

Then there's this other dude, Jeff. He's half Mexican and half Hawaiian. I went out with him a few days ago. He's in his 40's i think, but very handsome. I had a wonderful time with him. His eyes are beautiful too, and i like the way he was with me...his personality was great!

I like both of these guys alot...and then there's a 3rd. My buddy Dave (aka Micky Harley) is also coming out here next week, on the 3rd to visit me. I like him too, and we've been talking for like, almost 2 years. In may 2009 it will be two years since we met. We met right after Gary and i broke up. Online. This will be the first time we will be meeting in person. I'm kinda' nervous, but kinda' not...don't know why. Perhaps i am becoming jaded, and detached. Oh well. Yes, there is much loneliness, and i also STILL miss Gary...and i regret breaking up with him very much. I remember everything about him still...his personality, the way he talked, walked...smelled, the way he made love to me. God, i miss him. I can't believe it still disturbs me now, almost 2 years after the break-up. I loved him so very much...i wonder if he knew that. I know he loved me. All that's left now are bitter memories...and perhaps that's why he cut off contact with me. It was too painful for him to stay in contact with me. It brings all kinds of emotions to the forefront...bitterness, anger, sorrow, sadness, tears.

I think he misses me as well...

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Current Location: Santa Barbara, Ca
Current Mood: discontent discontent

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Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how stupid people are, and how much and how high they rate themselves. I just found out the other day that an ex of mine is being harrassed by another guy that i went out with like, 2 times, and rejected.

Yeah, my ex Kris thinks i'm the one behind the behavior of this other guy Kevin, that i went out with and shit. Like, i have more useful things to do with my time then go after some guy i was in love with and wanted to be with, 2 years ago. The one friend who told me says that Kris is terrified of me. What the fuck ever, i never did anything to him to make him think i would hurt him. All this other shit's in his mind, and he needs serious time in a psychiatrists chair...LOL!!

Get a life dude! I'm not stalking you!!

Oh, that rhymes...LMAO!!

Current Mood: apathetic apathetic

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Well...here i am again...in love, and in love and frustrated. There's this dude i met, Larry, who's absolutely awesome! And super-fine!

I met him for the first time in person a little over a week ago, and i have to say i fell in love fast with him...probably too fast. I need to take a step back and look at things in the bigger picture. I've been pretty depressed over it, because he's not sure how he feels about me...and in truth, maybe i am too fast in feeling these feelings to him. I don't even really know him all that well.

Last night i told him exactly how i feel. In some ways i think it was good, and in others i think i revealed too much too fast, but i had to get it off my chest...i'd been holding it in for so long. And it doesn't look like i've scared him, because he thanked me for being honest with him. He's also been going through some major drama with his roommates, involving some underage sexual matters...which now have blown into legal matters. In any case, yeah, he's been feeling torn as well, because both of the people involved are friends of his. There are actually more than 3 people involved, including the minor. But any way, i am not going to talk about that.

So yeah, things right now are very stressful for him, and also for me. I am going to see him next month again, so we will see where that night takes us, and so on. I hope it all works out. I also have another friend coming to visit me next month as well...his name's Dave, but he likes to go by Mickey Harley...i just call him Harley. He really wants me too, but he is also coming out to see what developes between he and i. I've known him for almost 2 years now, online and over the phone, and this will be our first meeting in person. I hope all works out.

Current Mood: frustrated frustrated

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Yep, that's right...i am going to play drums for my buddy Drew's band down in San Diego, and we'll be back this weekend! I am so fucking excited!! It's going to be awesome!! I hope...hehehehehe

Current Location: Santa Baraba, CA
Current Mood: giddy giddy
Current Music: ROCK!!

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Yeah i'm here once again...it's been a long time since i made a journal entry, but here it is...in digital form...on your screen, flashing for all to see!! I'm back, and this time i am much darker and sinister then ever i have been...WORLD BEWARE!!

Current Mood: enthralled

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If i were to become a vampire, i would be the most ruthless killer. It would be the time to take revenge on mankind for all the pain it has given me. Mankind has betrayed me, and i would betray them back. I'd kill not just to feed, but for sport. I'd rip them apart just to see them die. I'd be mad with blood-lust.

Yes, i'd embrace being an immortal, but only because it would allow me to live forever, and kill at will and pleasure. I'd be a vampire most evil.

So take care, ye immortals, i would not make me one of your kind, if i were you...

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Ut
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: "Vampires" - By Godsmack

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Well, it's been almost 3 weeks since the big break up, and i am dealing with it very well. I am back in the single frame of mind, though it's beena bit difficult, and i sometimes have times where i really miss Gary and wish he was here with me. Still, i think this time apart has been wonderful for me.

I realize Gary has some growing up to do, and i have some issues i need to start addressing myself. Gary's only 22, and i don't think he's as spiritually developed as i am, as he is still caught up in sex and all that. I like sex, but it's not the end all be all for me at this time in my life. Spirituality means more to me than anything else. Developing my magickal skills, as well as getting back into my native indian ways and spirituality, meditation and new ways of helping myself in sirit, in mind, and in body.

I am riding my bike more and more, and i love the freedom it brings me. I also am looking to lose some weight before the fall, so that's good to. I definitely need to make my body healthier. All in all, i think this break up is one of the best things to happen to me. And who knows what lies in the future, we may get back together, we may not, but we will always be friends. And i don't really need to worry about that right now.

I have more pressing matters to worry about. In any event, i am doing well, and getting though it with success.

~Jayson~

Current Location: Salt Lake City, Ut
Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: "I'll get over you" from the Pretty Woman Soundtrack

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