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sargatanas1977
Yeah, Gary and i separated last week. Just too much crap has happened, and we decided we both need to time and space apart.

I wish i wasn't so co-dependant. Yeah, he's gone to stay with some friends, but hasn't moved out of our room. He might spend the weekends there, and maybe a couple days a week, but not sure. In any case, yeah, i a,m going to get help for my bipolar-ness And also to get put back on my meds.

I seriously need help, after cutting myself up really bad in front of Gary last week. Yeah, i know how messed that was, and i am surprised he didn't high-tale it back to New York. But he also has found a job he likes, and friends he likes. Be it only 2 friends, but still.

So now i am looking to date/hook up, as Gary has done (and might i add before i did). So hey, it's all good, i am going to be okay. I am still adjusting to sleeping alone, but kinda' like having my own space.

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Ut
Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: "If ever you're in my arms again" by Peabo Bryson

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All my words have been spoken
All the hurt has been felt
Now all that remains, is you, and i
I know mistakes have been made
I know rocks have been trodded over, in our bare, and neked feet

The thorns on this road we walk, have torn at you and me
And we're left bleeding

But somewhere in my heart, there's something or someone telling me that you and i should be
And my heart beats
The sky in my world, is a darker grey when you're not happy
I see the darkness you're going through, a storm that seems without end
Let me take your hand and guide you to my heart
It has the light that you will need

And i cling to you
And you cling to me
That's the way, it should be
How many ways are there to show you that i love you

You are my starry sky
You are my sunlit day

But so many words have broken my belief in you and me
Voices that are not yours and mine, telling us what to believe
Convincing and strong they seem
But what does your heart say?

So much hurt deep inside...i'm losing you
I feel i am dying, and my world is crashing down
The stars and sun still shine
But here within me, i ask them to weep

I know that i've hurt you, by sharing things kept between you and i, with another
But i ask you to forgive me, because i can't take your punishment much longer
This denial of commitment
This hate you have for me

It's secret, yes
Butit's still hate

This tide of rift get's stronger
We've stared into each others eyes so long, we haven't seen the growing space between us
And it's getting bigger
And the river's getting deeper

Please hold out your hand and grasp my soul
I don't wanna drift away from you
The pain in my soul is driving me insane

How many times can i say that i'm sorry
And the damage has been done
But please see in you
See in me
That there's still something worth saving

All thislonging and the craving
For you and i, for i and you
Please, come back to me
Please, say that you love me...again

And you'll hear my heart beating to the rhythm of your name
Like it always has done before
I will stand with you in the storm, and rain
Like i've always done before

I love you

Current Location: Salt Lake City, Ut
Current Mood: scared scared
Current Music: "Bring me to life" by Evanescence

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Dropped into the darkness, confusing, forbidden
Emotions hidden
Feeling broken inside
Locked into a tide of freeflowing grief
Hate surging through me
My soul on fire
I feel suffocated in the hot darkness
Claustrophobia closing in
Paranoia locking it's jaws around me in a grip of bitter death
Struggeling to fight the hovering wraith that binds me
This spirit of desparate evil
Darkness, spawning feelings of rage and shame
Hurting in the darkness
Desparate call
I hurl as i take the fall
Within pieces
Hurteling toward damnation, culled from deepest pain
Disdain taints the insane thoughts i have of life
And how it should be dealt
For i have dwelt within the hell of my own creation
Deathshed extermination
Woven within putrid privation
Starved for light
I drink sweet death's plight
Seething in ruin built fora thousand years
Count my rotten tears
Horrid within, abhorrent without
Cling to my decaying depravity caught within the thorns of retribution
And hanging in the balance, the future breed of a dying world
My world...wrought in sallow squaller
Burned in castigation
And in the end...i'm left hurting

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Current Location: Salt Lake City
Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: "Stench of paradise burning" by Disincarnate

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Yes, i am...LOL!! And dreading it! Well, see, Gary wants to move back to upstate New York in June, because he misses his family and friends, and New York is a much better place to get help with medical insurance ans such. And he wants me to go with him.

Well, who can blame him for missing his peeps, right? And he did move all the way out here for me, leaving everything behind. And so i should be willing to move back there with him, right? Of course. Still, i am really really scared about it. I know he took a huge chance moving here, and it was for the better. I know he left everything there, just to be with me. And i know he was scared too. Still, that was him, and not me. I know,. i know, some people might say i am being selfish. And maybe i am. It's not like i am not willing to go back with him though. I am.

I'm just incredibly scared. So mny things have gone wrong in my life when my mother took chances when i was young. So many have gone wrong for me as well. And so i am so very frightened to take anymore. I am worried about all the "what ifs" That coud go wrong. I am worried about me being kicked out on the street. Or Gary deciding once he's back there, to turn on me, and become completely cruel and put me through hell. Saying something like "Well, now that i'm back here, the hell with you, you're on your own". I hope to God he wouldn't do that, and he says that if i think he'd do something like that, than i don't know him.

But anyone can say that. Anyone can make that claim. And he took the same chances like that when he moved out here. BUT I NEVER GO BACK ON MY WORD. He's got everything set up for us. A place to stay, food to eat, a place to go and get assistance, and even help finding a job. His family and friends all wanna meet me. They're excited to meet me. And i want to meet them too. But at the same time, i'm an old cat. I don't really like new situations, or change very much, though i can adapt to it. I'm an old Virgo, and set in my ways i guess.

Basically, it comes down to this. I have been hurt very very much, and i don't want to get hurt again. But for Gary, and because i love him, i will take this leap with him, and fight my own survival instincts.

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Ut
Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: "Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest

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This world is getting worse, and i hold no hope that it will get any better. With the recent shooting spree's that have been going on, like Trolley Square, and more recently the Virginia Tech shootings, it only confirms in my mind that the end is coming soon. And come what may, i hope the human race is prepared to meet their own fate.

Are you ready?

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Current Mood: morose morose
Current Music: "It's coming down" by Danzig

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So yeah, the other night i came home and found out that the Elder's quorum president from my ward here stopped by and left his number, and asked that i call him. I did. Next thing i know i'm going to church Sunday, and i was actually not that surprised at myself. I've wanted to go back to church for a while now. No, i am not going to get rid of Gary, and i'm not gonna try and go straight...AGAIN. I just feel like i'm missing something in my spiritual life. I know i have my paganism and my Gods which i converse with, but there's just something that was there, when i was an active Mormon, that isn't there now.

Gary thinks i'm crazy for going back, as will alot of my other friends when i tell them, but it's something i need to do, for peace in my heart. God misses me. I know it, i feel it. And you know what? I miss him too.

Most if not all my gay friends would ask me why i would go back to a religion which teaches our way of life is wrong...that my way of life is wrong. And i would say this: "They may teach that it is wrong, but i'm not going back to church for them. I am doing it for God. He made me the way i am, and he did not say i could not be a part of his gospel. He did not say i couldn't live the gospel the way i should. Man's word means nothing to me. It is God's approval that i seek. And though they may deride me for being who i am...a gay male...i will stand strong and be who i am - A son of God, born to be who i am, and i'll not apologize for being who i am to any human being. And a prophet is still a human being. A man, prone to weakness as all of us are. He is but chaff before the wings of God.

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: "I am, I'm me" by Twisted Sister

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Okay, so i've been bitter and acting differently towards people lately. And so i have not been acting like "me" either...whatever "me" is. I've just been so fed up with everyone around me almost that i am to the point that i don't care anymore. But now it's come to my realization that it's kinda' driving people away.

Okay, so i've sort have been trying to act different to make me more popular. I just want to be liked. But i guess the real me is much more likeable than the fake me, right? LOL!! I just feel like no one really likes me anymore. Like i'm not interesting, and who knows...i might not be...LOL!! I am also aware that i am very set in my ways as well.

But Gary is forcing me to change. I mean, not forcing me, as in a bad way, but a good way. He's making me step back, and look at some things in my life, and fix them. This is good, even though i howl and whine, and kick and scream. Yes, Gary is good for me. I love him so very much. But on to the topic at hand.

I am seriously so fed up with all the bullshit in the gay community, especially that of the bear community. It's all a bunch of drama!! People making bets on Gary and I's relationship, people saying that other people are going to steal Gary away from me (which by the way has not been confirmed either way yet). It's gotten to the point where i don't want to trust anyone anymore. And i have messed with other people's relationships to get back at them for starting rumors i have not even seen come to fruition. And none of this shit started hapening untill Gary got here. Before that i was fine, i was acting myself, and i was peachy keen. Now things have gotten pretty fucked up. Maybe i should just let whoever wants Gary have him, and get the whole shitty affair out of my face. What do you think? I think it'd be alot simpler to do that than anything else.

I'm just tired of it all. I feel ugly and repugnant. Why should Gary want to be with me anyway? Why would anyone? I'm not good looking, i'm freakin' ugly, and i look like shit every day. It's awful waking up in the morning, knowing i've got to fight it all over again. I feel like just saying "Fuck it" and killing myself. That would save the world alot of heartache, wouldn't it? Yeah, i think so.

I have thoughts running through my head everyday as to how i can meet death. All of the horrible, gory ways i could off myself. Hanging myself for somebody to find, rnning in front of trax at peak hours during the day so everyone could watch me get splattered and mangled, blowing my head off with a shot gun, jumping into a woodchipper.

Maybe i am just not cut out for life. I don't know anymore, i'm pissed off at everyone and everything. Fuck the world...i don't need any of you!!

Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Current Mood: angry angry
Current Music: "Children of the underworld" by Deicide

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"Fire from the sky" - Jayson Hopkins

There's always darkness before the storm
There's always dying before the Gods
As is written in the ancient text, before humanity meets it's end
Deathrider will come for the souls of men
And fire shall descend
Blood will rain
And there will be pain
But before then you'll go insane

Certain death is assured
Those who disturb the peace
Of the seven headed beast
And demons shall swarm
From hell's gates torn
To torment the believers
And kill the decievers

Fire shall rain from the sky
And those left behind will die
There is no hope for you
Fast burns the apocalyptic fuse

Heaven burns
As hell returns
Behold retaliation
Of demonic opposition
As you are downed in flames
Satan, smiling, calls your name

Fire from the sky
Before your unbelieving eyes
Four riders of doom parade
Within infernal palisades

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Current Mood: ecstatic ecstatic
Current Music: "Evil has no boundaries" by Slayer

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I am so tired of dealing with people. People Messing with my man and our marriage, people involving me in their personal lives, and all that! Well, these issues stem from dealing with certain parties within the bear community, and such. These parties shall go unnamed, but it's safe to say they'll know who they are when they read this. These people have picked at me, and gotten to me to the point where i no longer want anything to do with humanity as a whole. Some would say "Why blacklist the many, because of the actions of only a few". Well, here's the answer. Are ya ready? BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. That's why.

Yeah, dealing with memories of old, badly foregone relationships, and soured social commitments has made me just tired and dead inside. I don't care anymore. Just leave me and my man alone...all of you. I am frustrated, angry and pissed off.

Yeah, so i had a big blow up with this guy from the bear group, Mike, the other day. We managed to put our fragile friendship back together only because i actually give a fuck about this one. Yeppers, it started because Mike's BF Don, tried pumping me for information, about Mike, and what he was planning to do about their relationship. Big mistake. I should have just told him to talk to Mike about it. But hey, you know what? It happened, i'm sorry, but hey, there aren't any apologies to be made.

Another thing was hearing that people were making bets on Gary and i, and how long we would last. That's a bunch of bullshit! Hearing that really pissed me off. So much to the point that i am actually thinking of moving with Gary back to New York, very very soon, To get away from all of these people. I can't be worried about who's trying to take my Gary away from me, and worried about friends pretending to be friends only so they can seductively slip into our relationship, and then try and rip us apart. Don is marked on the black list, for some heavy shit to happen to him. I am still planning my magickal attack. I want him to know my power, and know who's after his spirit.

Some Lyrics come to mind, and these from a Dangerous Toys song called "Demon Bell"

Demon Bell - Dangerous Toys

I was born without a soul inside
So i'm gonna tear out your heart and try it on for size
You gotta have a soul
to get to go to hell
That's where i wanna go to ring the Demon Bell

Demon Bell, demon bell
I wanna hear you scream like hell
Demon Bell, demon bell
I'm gonna throw you in the wishing well

Television was my mom and dad
The 6:00 news taught me how to be bad
And when you're really bad
The ratings go up
That's why this damn country's getting really corupt, yeah!

Somebody get me a whisky yeah
'Cuz blood makes me so thirsty yeah
We are like star crossed wires
That's why they call me the shocker


Demon Bell, demon bell
I wanna hear you scream like hell
Demon Bell, demon bell
I'm gonna throw you in the wishing well

Like a baby, howling for his mother
If you don't get love, you turn into a killer
No one never took me to the carnival
Now my funhouse is my twisted soul

I'm lookin' for you
Yeah, lookin', for you...OW!!

I was born without a soul inside
So i'm gonna tear out your heart and try it on for size
You gotta have soul
To get to go to hell
That where i wanna go to ring the demon bell

Somebody get me a whisky yeah
Cuz blood makes me so thirsty yeah
We are like star crossed wires
That's why they call me the shocker

Demon bell, demon bell
I wanna hear you scream like hell
Demon bell, demon bell
I'm gonna throw you in the wishing well

Like a baby, howling for his mother
If you don't get love you turn into a killer
No one never took me to the carnival
No my funhouse is my twisted soul

Current Location: Salt LAke City, Ut
Current Mood: enraged enraged
Current Music: "Demon Bell" by Dangerous Toys

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Okay, so, Gary and i went to Try-Angles last night, and we had a lot of fun. The Mr. Bear and Cub contest was going on, so the place was packed! Gary and i immediately retreated to the patio, where things were somewhat calmer. We sat there for a while, smoking and talking, and occasionally checking out the local eye candy.

Well, the contest got over around 11:00 or so, and then alot of people left, and alot came out to the patio. We also had met a friend, Russ there. The 3 of us went and got some drinks, and then went back outside to drink and talk. We saw a bunch of our friends there, and sat around and talked for a long while. I punded 2 big and fruities and a beer. It was around 12:30, and most of our friends had left. Gary, Russ, Chad and i were sitting at one of the tables. I got up to go to the bathroom. I was wasted. Made to the bathroom, and then back outside, where i tripped on someone's foot, and fell into a table full of beer stines and shot glasses. Yeah, i cut myself up pretty bad, and Chad and Gary both got up and said "It's time to go home"...we went to the emergency room, and i was bleeding everywhere. I got a few stitches, and Gary and i had a really good talk when we got home.

He was so scared, and worried about me. But at the same time a little pissed cuz i didn't go slow on my drinkin'. Guess that old indian drinking gene is there eh? I drink like my grandpa and grandma...fast and hard. And Gary had more to drink than i did! I cried because i saw how hurt he was, and how much he loves and cares for me. Gary's such a sweet man, and i've never loved anyone this much before. Except maybe Kris, but that doesn't even compare, because he never loved me back. But anyway, yeah, when i fell, people were like "Dude, are you okay"...and i was like "look, pretty blood"...LMAO!! Yeah, it's not funny, but at the same time, it is. I could have been hurt alot worse...LOL!! At least i am not a mean drunk when i get wasted. I'm very cuddly and lovable, and all touchy feely and stuff. Yeah, i like that fact. I've knoiwn plenty of mean drunks in my time, and i'm glad i'm not one of them.

Chad took me to the ER, with Gary. He's a very good friend, and a dear one to me. I care about him alot, too. He's a good man! Well, needless to say, i woke up in a bit of pain, but not enough to out me out for the day, so now, we are off to bear brunch, and then the gem fair!! YAY!!

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Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Current Mood: embarrassed embarrassed
Current Music: "Sorry for the stupid things" - Babyface

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